The maid of honor just puked.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
