This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
