i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
