I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
