Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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