She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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