Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
