So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
