just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
