so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
