bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
