I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
