That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think my moral compass just broke
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