plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
