He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
