John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sober January is a disaster.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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