Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
