he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
