I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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