I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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