i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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