Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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