Your face is a jimmy john
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
