the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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