planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
