Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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