2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
