now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
