and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
