the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
