We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
