It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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