I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
