I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
