some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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