My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
