we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
