News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
