dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
