i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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