Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
