Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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