a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
