Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
