I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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