she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
