even my farts smell like vagina
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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