Your mouth is God's brothel.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
