This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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