a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
