Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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