Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
