There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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